Unless you are exceptionally good at being oblivious to such things, you may have noticed that the NFL post-season has nearly wrapped up. Super Bowl XLV is a mere two weeks away.
For some time I have been the sort of person who predicted the outcomes of football games based on a careful analysis of which mascot would most likely annihilate the other. While this method was largely successful and has been bountiful fodder for sitcom writers over the years, it did very little to get me actually interested in watching the games. Imagining, let’s say, a Viking destroying a Cowboy inevitably took my attention away from the action on the field. But now I have a new system - a system that allows me to watch the actual game, and not churn out anti-football rants before the fourth quarter even arrives.
I suppose I should come out and say that I don’t generally care for American football. It’s all stops and starts and flags and penalties, and I feel like the games last a billion years because there seem to be more minutes of commercials than gameplay. The equipment transforms uniforms into armor, largely obscuring the spectrum of human emotion that powers my enthusiasm for sports.
My new system of determining team superiority has changed all this. Or at least made it so I can actually watch (most) of a football game.
Without further ado I present to you my predictions for this weekend’s playoff games - based entirely on who has (or in some cases, had*) the most fabulous hair. With the occasional epic beard.
Pittsburgh Steelers vs. New York Jets
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| B. Keisel, E. Hood, T. Polamalu, D. Johnson, M. Wallace, W. Gay, C. Kemoeatu |
vs.
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| B. Edwards, K. Wilson, E. Cook, N. Mangold, M. Cole |
At first glance, this appears to be a close call. But if you look a bit deeper, you discover that Troy Palomalu’s hair is equal to the manes of at least 5 defensive backs combined. Head & Shoulders has insured these lovely locks for $1 million dollars. They know a good thing when they see it.
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| [source] |
I have no choice but to award the victory to the Steelers.
Chicago vs. Green Bay
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| T. Jennings, K. Shaffer, C. Steltz, J. Moore, D. Hester, C. Tillman |
vs.
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| D. Nance, E. Walden, E. Dietrich-Smith, T. Williams, AJ Hawk, G. Jennings, J. Gordy, B. Swain, A. Bigby, C. Matthews, R. Picketts, J. Sitton |
Bears vs. Packers! I hear it on the streets! I'm pretty sure I live in Bear country, so it's possibly slightly dangerous for me to point out that Green Bay is the victor, cut and dry (HA!). They are pretty hard to beat in the overall team hair department. Sorry, Bears fans, but your boys are just too well groomed. I will award some bonus points for the fact that Devin Hester named his hair, but overall the Bears make the Packers look like a bunch of guys who run a food co-op. Or have a wicked Norse metal band.
Perhaps you think my methods are suspect. Perhaps you agree with my picks, but for reasons based on statistics or legitimate football things that I can’t be bothered to learn about just yet. Long hair is a surprisingly popular topic in American football, loosely tangled with recent discussions of head injuries and helmet to helmet hits. Perhaps you are one of the many who feel that long, luxurious locks have no place in the NFL. In a time when I passively learn tons about head injuries via sportscasters, it is surprising that hair tackles are currently not penalized.
But I digress. The point is: Steelers vs. Packers in Superbowl XLV.
Bring on the hate. Go team.
* Initial selections were made based on the official team roster photographs on each team’s official website, but I may have inadvertently let a player or two slip by unnoticed or included someone who is no longer on the team. The author has made every attempt to verify that the hairstyles listed are current, but may have missed reports of a salon visit or two. Clearly, I have only a very shallow understanding of this strange, strange game.
